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Mitch Hedberg

Read through the most famous quotes from Mitch Hedberg




I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.


— Mitch Hedberg


#four #get #good #i #like

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.


— Mitch Hedberg


#cord #go #hear #hold #i

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.


— Mitch Hedberg


#because #did #died #fake #i

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?


— Mitch Hedberg


#football #how #like #now #people

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.


— Mitch Hedberg


#blackjack #circle #gambling #i #i love

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.


— Mitch Hedberg


#i #i remember #remember #used #yeah

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.


— Mitch Hedberg


#eyes #meat #people

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.


— Mitch Hedberg


#fix #gonna #i #joke #last

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.


— Mitch Hedberg


#ask #following #goin #going #hook

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


— Mitch Hedberg


#break #convenience #escalator #just #never






About Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quotes




Did you know about Mitch Hedberg?

" He also toyed with audiences that failed to respond in the way he had intended them to occasionally quipping "That joke's better than you acted. Hedberg was interviewed by Jonathan Davis in the December 2001 issue of Penthouse. His act usually consisted equally of compact one- or two-liners (like Steven Wright's) and longer routines often with each line as a punchline.

Hedberg's comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them. His comedy typically featured short sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24 1968 – March 29 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery.

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