Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' ↗

— Steven Wright

#down #front #got #grocery #guy

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ↗

— Steven Wright

#drowns #rest #swimmer #synchronised #too

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. ↗

— Steven Wright

#accelerator #behind #brake #gas #gone

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. ↗

— Steven Wright

#brings #i #i think #many #memories

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. ↗

— Steven Wright

#grow #happen #how #i #i wonder

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. ↗

— Steven Wright

#call #car #home #i #leave

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add. ↗

— Steven Wright

#got #i #know #now #powdered

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? ↗

— Steven Wright

#coffee #employees #take

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. ↗

— Steven Wright

#here #i #map #over #over it

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. ↗

— Steven Wright

#died #four #full #got #house