Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ↗

— Steven Wright

#i #kept #mind #trying #wandering

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. ↗

— Steven Wright

#dog #gone #i #now #poured

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. ↗

— Steven Wright

#come #down #god #going #i

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. ↗

— Steven Wright

#asleep #falls #hand #hate #know

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. ↗

— Steven Wright

#headlights #i #lights #like #looks

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. ↗

— Steven Wright

#child #eventually #had #i #kid

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. ↗

— Steven Wright

#baby #friend #him #i #i can

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? ↗

— Steven Wright

#does #happen #headlights #light #spaceship

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. ↗

— Steven Wright

#future #i #off #only #peripheral

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. ↗

— Steven Wright

#factory #fire #hydrant #i #near