Stephen Colbert

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humour #hypochondria #twitter #twitter

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#fear #humour #phobias #twitter #age

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#police #humor

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#global-warming #humour #law #north-carolina #politics

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#humor-inspirational #inspirational #humor

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#pants #twitter #wishes #twitter

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#politics #humor

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#film #humour #sequels #twitter #movies

I love making observations. That one is a classic example. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#observations #twitter #love

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls? ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#atheist #balls #just #without