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I was a good person. I helped many people. I literally saved lives. But I failed my wife and children. I failed because I’m disabled and have a terrible disease. As a child my parents hated me for being disabled. So they gave me away. I was broken thru horrible things done to me. I cannot fix myself. I am lost. But I will still try to help those I love as I fade away. I can’t beat an unbeatable disease forever. Tried to give all I had. It just wasn’t enough. Love is not enough. Life isn’t a movie with happy endings.
There is so much on my mind right now I don't know where or how to start.
I am exhausted I am tired I am lonely I am stressed I am crowded.
I don't want to be with people, but I do not want to be alone either.
University is killing me right now one test after another and another. Work is horrible, I am being bullied and threatened.
I just want it all to stop.
I just want to sleep.
I'm married to a bitch. She told me I couldn't care for our newborn daughter since I am a guy. She hired a nanny. 2 months later I realized the nanny was mean and fired her. I'm a stay home Dad. I have changed, fed and cared for her until school. And my wife has resented it since.
She questions everything I do. Is disrespectful. And lazy. An Unhealthy slob. I do most of the household work/chores. She Is disrespectful to my parents and doesn't like when I take our daughter to see my sister.
I am the breadwinner also and have made a very good living. She wants more. And a trip abroad. And. And. And......
The problem is we have enough to retire comfortably. But not after she wastes our assets. Lawyers. Agents. RealEstate taxes and commisions. CPA's., 401k penalties, firesale, Ect. Then spitting the rest will leave both of us unable to retire. Work till I drop.. I worked hard to retire. This sucks.
Splitting it is fine, she wants to go for my juggler, which will drain both of our retirement.
I just want to cry.
#divorce #retirement #hate #despair #wife #confession
I’ve fought a terrible disease for many years. Most with it don’t last long. Someone has openly mocked me since I finally couldn’t work anymore. Then he saw someone else with it that was female. He realized what I’ve been dealing with all these many years. That person of course isn’t going to make it. Most don’t. He was like why can’t they save her. Because not enough people care.
I think he now realizes his day will come. We are all dying from the moment we are born. I go to Heaven when I die. But I do get mad at God at times. Not for me. For others. I want a fair and just world. It doesn’t exist. Hopefully this shit show will make more sense once I get to Heaven. It sure as heck doesn’t right now.
But I’m like Rocky. I keep getting up and swinging. I told them to bury me face down so the world can kiss my ass on the way out. With every day there is hope of a rainbow. Usually I get a shit shower instead.
I'm very disappointed at my father to say the least.. I wish he would get arrested coz i know prison is the only place that can save him from himself.
#disappointed #angry #tired #prison
I wonder.
I sometimes wonder if I make mistakes. Cause and affect.
I think maybe I need to stop talking to people.
Oh it was fun at times. It had purposes.
Sometimes you can help someone without it being obvious. You present yourself one way. Push buttons. Hope for a response. So long as the person doesn’t catch on; and the goal is to help innocents. Help do good. Be fair, but serve Gods will. Then I think it’s OK.
Maybe it’s time for me to focus on just my loved ones who still need me, and stay as healthy as I can for them. Let the rest of the world do it’s best. I only have so much energy left.
I’ll have to dwell on that.
#tired #shifting #focus #service #love #christian #happiness
When the pandemic hit I really put myself out there. Tried to help. But my health has faded. I tried my best. I think I’m done. I don’t think my body has much left. I just can’t fight forever.
I sometimes visit my family. They invariably bring up that I’m gay. Mock me. Make jokes about it.
When he was a boy he looked like a girl. He’d dress up like a girl. He had a doll.
Not exactly. See My dad didn’t want me. Someone was dressing me as a girl & doing stuff to me. They’re gone now. I’m old too.
So they’d find me in a dress & to avoid being hurt worse I’d say I dressed myself in this. Same for the doll.
But whatever. You’d think if you were gay you’d know it.
Ill hear how great my dad was. How he gave my sister cars & land. How she went on these vacations. Interesting.
See I was given away. I didn’t have that. I ended up homeless. But it’s always good to hear how new people have been told I’m gay. I hear about all this stuff from my childhood. Odd. Since I didn’t live with them.
I’m just tired. I’m so sick. I keep waiting to die. But I don’t. It just drags on & on.
If I could get up & go live I would. But I’m in this near dead zone. Can’t recover. Won’t die. I’m not a quitter. I push to get better. But there is no getting better.
I have nothing against gay people. Quite the opposite. I stand up for them. But I’ve never once had a gay thought. I used to have thoughts of women before marriage. Then it was just thoughts of one woman. That’s love.
But they see me fighting for gay rights & that confirms I’m gay. Nope. I used to try to talk to people. Try to save them. Gay people wanted to harm themselves. So I’d convince them of the truth. God made them gay. How can he hate them? Those people who hate them had gay thoughts as a young teen. They grew past them. But they have deep doubts about themselves, so they blame gays for that.
Now I’m alone. I’m trying to stay positive. To find hope. But there’s nothing for me. I’m disabled. No one will talk to me. Or listen to me. When I get out & try to function I just annoy people. I hear people laugh at me. I’m tired.
I wish I’d never met my dad.
My sister said you should go see our dads family. F them. When I was out there in this world all alone, where were they? No where. They’re not my family. I don’t want them.
They may be good people to her. My dad was great to her. That’s not what I got. I was living far away & being hurt. I’m so tired. I’ll try to live as long as I can. For my kids. But I can only hold off death for so long.
People say don’t give up. Give up? I’ve already lived 30 yrs longer than they said was possible. I’ve almost died a lot. I don’t quit. But I need hope. I can’t find hope.
I hate my mom. She gave me away. I endured hell. I helped buy her a home. Did so much for her. Yet she is still horrible to me. I’m tired of loving people who hate me. She says she wishes she’d aborted me. Well so do I.
I punctured the tired of my boyfriend's car while he was at work, his car stood in front of his office. Because I didn't want him to be home that early while my favourite TV show was running.
Unfortunately, he called me to pick him up, so I missed the whole show. :-(
I’m tired God. I should have been aborted like my mom told me everyday. She hated boys. Never wanted one. My dad made her have me. Then he hated my hair so he tried to kill me. I relive that. Then I was an orphan. So much pain till adulthood.
I stayed loyal to you God. But you let people hurt me. Society likes to hurt autistic people. I tried so hard. But you gave me other disabilities too. And a disease in my 20’s. I fought to keep working. Then you gave me a 2nd degree. Then a third.
They made me go on disability. The pain is so intense no pain meds work; so I live with the pain.
But they won’t provide enough medical care. I can’t afford my meds. Or doc visits. I don’t understand. They forced me into disability. I lost my job & retirement. Now they want to change the rules. They treat me like I’m lazy.
I stopped going to Church. Men treated me like an outcast for raising my kids I lived with that. But people didn’t want my disabled child there. So I said F them. I taught him faith at home.
My daughter was beat up at school by a gang. My son was expelled along with his friends for defending disabled; gay, & poor kids.
My wife may die from a disease. She divorced me as her parents begged her too. They blamed me; but it was them moving next door that upsets her so. She is now so sick. My poor baby. My disabled child started having seizures after I left. He’s so upset. My poor baby.
My son must now make long daily drives to avoid alternative school. All because he couldn’t set by & watch a gang beat tiny children at school. Those mothers wont expel the section 8 gang members. But they slammed my baby. My baby cries. He misses his friends. Sports. Me. He wants to live with me. I have no home.
I do all I can to help his mom keep their home; as she fights for her life. My daughter had to become an adult at 16 when she graduated high school.
Where are you when this is all happening God? I saved lives. I worked hard. I was a good person. I helped so many strangers. Yet here we are. Why God? Why won’t you ever fight for me or protect me? I’m so tired.
Well I won’t give up; but I think I’m dying. I can’t even afford to goto a doc to find out. I got Covid I’m pretty sure; I isolated. But I couldn’t afford a hospital to help me. Now somethings wrong with my heart. It hurts. It seems to have a leak. I’m passing out. I love you God. But do you love me? I always seem to be alone. It’s me against the world. I love the world. But it seems to hate me. I don’t know how much more I can bear.
Keep piling more on my body. But please heal my disabled son. Please heal my ex wife. Please look out for her & my 3 children who still live. My first baby died long ago & is with you. Please tell him I love him. Please heal my second baby. The world is hard on him. He has autism. Please protect my third child. She’s such a good girl. Please protect my fourth child. He’s such a brave boy.
If you want to keep piling more on me that’s fine. But please protect my wife and children.
I love you God; even if you don’t love me. I love you Jesus, my perfect brother.
Amen
I had sex with a lot of beautiful women because I was trying to regain control of my body. Turns out I’ll just keep hating myself till i eventually croak. Oh don’t worry. I’m going to ride this shit show God created till He reaches down and drags me out of here.
I spend hours everyday trying to talk young people out of suicide. I seem to be very good at it.
But I feel suicidal myself. I have a disease that’s tearing my body apart. I have no one who loves me.
I’ll keep fighting for now. But this disease is beating me down.
For work, I always have a lot of research to do. And this means that I often have to work at home (later, at night for example).
But I'm just too lazy. So I got my son to do it. He gets 10 bucks each time he "helps" me.
I can get to bed earlier and he gets some extra money. He's always a bit tired though and his grades in school aren't that good as in the beginning of the year but I guess that's not too bad.
#lazy #confession #work #son #secret #anonymously #research #night #tired
Am I here? From basically birth I’ve been aware of things. Advanced thoughts. I remember being in Heaven then coming here. I came here to help certain special souls.
I’ve almost died. Went to Heaven. Came back. Last time I saw an angel who led me back to help a specific person.
I’d think I’m crazy except other people saw these things.
So strange. I can never tell anyone this. They’d think me nuts.
People who seem in tune with things just walk up. Think my eyes glow. Some ask if I’m an angel. Some ask if I’m an alien.
My wife thought I died. Docs said I would die. She said I glowed. I went to Heaven and returned. I just woke up fine. Surprised docs.
But I nearly died. I’m barely here now. Just holding on for people who don’t realize they still need me.
I’d like to think I’m delusional but other people have seen me die. Seen odd things happen around me. Seen people react oddly to me.
So weird. I wish I was normal. But I’ve saved lives so that’s good.
Forced to go back out into world. I was made to step back out into the world without a vaccine. Figures.
I made a mistake and tried to help during Covid. Now I wonder if it will hurt me.
But I mostly just made stuff up to help me survive in this world. I wish I’d never started. Now I can’t stop. OCD.
I’ve been disabled my whole life. I’m tired of being sick. Tired of shaking; throwing up; poverty, & being alone. I just set alone staring at a wall.
I am lazy. It's not somthing I can control I just am.
I don't have a bunch of energy like every one else seem's to have. I sit and play on my laptop every day and somtimes I will watch TV while I'm on my laptop. I do get up and clean I just don't do it right a way.
I feel lost. A year ago I was in the hospital from dka and I was in a coma for almost two weeks. My previous ex saved me from dying but also left me because of me being sick. I've always been depressed and I've always been okay with the idea of dying deep down inside. I try to push it off and try to bury myself in other people's problems so I can help them and I even help others out of depression but I can't help myself. I'm with someone very special to me but I still feel like I'm just not suppose to exist. I can't fight the feeling that I'm holding everyone back and I'm just getting in the way and that my condition is just making people feel sorry for me. I have a problem with accepting that people love me because I just can't love myself. I can't shake the feeling of needing to be gone. I can't shake feeling like no one should have saved me when I almost died. Like they should have been late and that I should have died. I just want everyone to be happy because I just can't be. I'm tearing people apart and pushing people away because I feel like I'm hurting people and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Why do I feel so alone when I have someone who cherishes me more then anything in the world. I don't understand why I'm like this. I can't understand why I wanna die so much but I do and I have no one I can say this to because if I do they will just call me crazy but am I so crazy to want everyone to be happy and not feel like I do? I want people to feel free to do what they want without worrying about sick me at home. I don't want to be a burden anymore even when they tell I'm not o still feel it. I know it inside that I'm just holding everyone back. That I'm hurting people like I hurt inside...I just don't wanna feel alone anymore. I don't trust myself or my thoughts alone anymore. I'm just broken....
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