George Carlin

Think off-center. ↗

— George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. ↗

— George Carlin

#better #building #called #doctor #felt

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? ↗

— George Carlin

#before #does #get #mean #you

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. ↗

— George Carlin

#delivering #eulogy #i #listening #realize

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. ↗

— George Carlin

#immediate #immediate future #only #past #present

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. ↗

— George Carlin

#bathroom #closest #death #dinner #dinner party

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. ↗

— George Carlin

#deserted #know #like #looks #never

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. ↗

— George Carlin

#edison #electric #electric light #gas #had

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. ↗

— George Carlin

#dream #go #never #people #see

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. ↗

— George Carlin

#audience #audience members #become #commonplace #far