Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? ↗

— Rita Rudner

#feeling #get #god #joke #men

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#consistently #fall #get #go #leave

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#grandmother #husbands #just #napping #she

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#around #day #fake #gave #head

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#build #castles #cleans #live #mother

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#begun #bought #cheaper #dog #feet

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? ↗

— Rita Rudner

#better #dresses #fire #hold #looks

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#dancer #first #grand #position #second

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' ↗

— Rita Rudner

#date #guy #i #i think #man

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. ↗

— Rita Rudner

#hollywood #marriage #milk #outlasts #success