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I'm 19. I've been living with depression for 10 years and every day is a struggle. As a result of being barely able to function, I've barely finished a three year culinary highschool (In my country you finish elementary school at the age of 15 and then you choose a profession and go to school accordingly. Three year professions are the shitty ones and you cant go to college to them), and I'm a chef that cant cook and hates his profession. I have no job and I'm not qualified for anything besides slaving in a kitchen.
I want to do another year of highschool so I could go to college but my education is too shit so there's no way that I can pass math and french.
I have no money, no job, no friends, no girlfriend, I'm fat and my dad hates me while my mom sees me as a disappointment. I haven't achieved a single thing that I could be proud of. I'd be happy to kill myself but I don't want to burden my family with an expensive funeral.
I'm forced to watch my life crumble and to live in poverty while all the people I know achieve things that are out of my grasp.
I'm scared.
#sad #depressed #depression #confession #failure #help #disappointment
I have a tendency to push away people. I lost all emotions, my heart turned cold, I lost interest in a lot of things. Sometimes i feel alone. I've been trying to figure out why. I Just can't find the answer.
I have been with my girlfriend for about 4 and a half years now. We started dating when we were in high school (i was 16 and she was just about to turn 16 in a few months). I love her more than anything in the whole world. But ever since we started dating, i lost contact with all my closest friends, both male and female. She always finds problems with them. I have been loyal to her, i never once thought about cheating.
I used to be known by everyone in my batch and the younger people. And had not one enemy because i was always friendly and kind and outgoing with people. And because of that, i was popular with people, even the teachers lived me even though im mischievous in class and school. Fuck it, even the principal knew me. Both me and my big brother who was graduated by then. I had a really good reputation and it’s not because i tried to, its because I genuinely was kind and caring while also being fun and mischievous and athletic! (I understand that i wasnt the smartest kid around). Where as my gf was mostly surrounded by 3 toxic friends who equally lacked the social skills but was feeding negative and toxic things into her mind. My girl is smart and beautiful and extremely talented in sports as well! But those friends of hers were lazy at studies, tries to act like they’re it and like they are princesses who know exactly how people are when they are just protected children who hasn’t interacted with people! (They genuinely thought that life always goes as it is in movies). They brought down her grades massively and were hiding behind my girl while she does the dirty work guided by the things they put into her mind. They are also to blame for her starting to think I’m cheating on her with other girls or doing things behind her back. My girlfriend also lacks the ability to empathize and understand people at all. I partly blame the fact that she has almost never been exposed to interacting with public and was always protected by her family. But she deeply cares and tries to protect the people closest to her. Hence, the reason she did the dirty work of those toxic friends of hers.
She told me to stop hanging out with the guys who always had my back, who have helped me even in the little things, the guys i used to have friendly rivalries in sports and gaming. They were my brothers and people who i have even considered to be my bestmen when i marry. And she knew that. But she made me to stop hanging out with them. For the littlest things, for inability to understand how boys are. Obviously boys act differently towards each other. That’s what friends are. Thats what makes us G’s. Some of my friends did warn me about her, that she and those 3 friends of hers have a bit of a bad reputation. But they all were really open to my feelings and genuinely gave her a chance and we’re friendly to her. I just wish she was the same. They were happy for me and didn’t want to do anything that would hurt my relationship badly. But when they saw that she just won’t stop with the misunderstanding and trying to push me away, they tried to do their best to pull me closer too. But none of them tried to force me out of the relationship, they all adviced me though. That i have 3 choices, fix the relationship and make her have a change of heart so i can hangout with my friends, break up with her, or let go of them. I obviously decided option 1. But sadly it didn’t work.
And from girls, there was one girl in my friend group that she hated for some little reasons. But i know if she actually tried to, they could have been really close. She was in a different class and some girls in my class were pretty popular as well. And as I mentioned, i was really close with my friends girls too. But i always kept my girlfriend above them. Even so, my girlfriend wanted me to completely stop talking to that girl she hates and she wanted me to be rude to her and hate her too. I obviously can’t do that, a bond i have cannot be just broken and turned into hate. I tried to fix the problem there and remove that hate as well. I wanted my girlfriend to see that the problem that’s there between them is a simple thing that can be fixed. But her pride and ego is too massive for her to let go. She pretended to try but didn’t put even 1% of effort in it. I gave as much effort as i can with her friends... but she didn’t. I never told her to stop talking to her friends. NEVER. I only advised her of the things I felt, and i asked her to think about it herself, she let them go only when they told her that she spends time with me more than them which is not true at all, they know it and she knows it... every person who knows about our relationship knew it’s a stupid reason to start treating her differently. So she let them go... so coming back to my story... this hate towards her the spread like a flame to the other girl in my class, which those toxic friends of hers had a massive role in. How am I supposed to stop completely talking to people in my own classroom? How am I supposed to let go of friends girl or boys who i have created a memories and strong bonds? They all tried to befriend my gf but she doesn’t try at all! In the end my teacher found out about relationship and advised me about it too but i was so blinded by love that i never listened to anyone! So i lost contact with my friends both girls and boys! We went to college where some of my closest friends went to, by then my girl did let me talk to them, but it’s as if we were acquaintances and not friends. And she still continued to judge people.
She even started these things with my family! I don’t think there is a single member in my family she hasn’t had an issue with! Even my baby cousin who just turned 4! My mother and father and brother too! Every single person! She tried to make me stay home when we planned family trips which we rarely ever get to go! But she goes on more than 20 trips a year! She doesn’t let me have time with my family bc i have to text her or call her! She blames me for her having a bad life in high school! She blames me for having a bad time in college! And now she’s having a bad time in uni. She acts as her and her family are the perfect people! And i have changed a lot! I was the most patient man you would ever meet... and i am patient towards people who aren’t my family. But I get upset quickly towards her and my family now. I dont have much fun memories in high school and at home, we’re at uni in a different country, most of my friends who were close to me dont know where i am no. I dont have social media other than one chatting app bc she made me delete them, i only have a few contacts saved on my phone. And recently when she gets angry she gets a bit physical. And she says i have changed a lot. But she never tried to understand why i have changed. She says that you only need 2 or 3 close friends. But the friends “we” have are choices of her own. She gets in the way of my decisions, where she thinks her advise is better than my own mothers. To avoid fights in my relationship and to stop a fight where she says i always choose others over her or where she says that i never take her side and say my family is always right, i follow her advise. And some of those have come back to haunt me. I sometimes think back to when i used to have fun with my friends. Or when i have fun with my family. It’s so sad, if she stopped her attitude, made the relationship we have more important to her than her pride and ego, thought of my family as her own and treated it equally, and just listen to me and trust my decisions as a man, we could make this work. She sometimes understands that she has an issue with anger. But that’s it. She says that her rude attitude is actually her being a genuine and real person. Which is bullshit. There is a line between being true and being rude which she doesn’t see. She says that she has an attitude and if i dont like it i can leave which she know that if i wanted to leave i would have gone a long time ago, she blames me for people thinking badly of her when I really tried and people really tried (and there are instances where I actually had some fake friends who were rude to her, i stood up for her and took her side. Which she doesn’t appreciate).
And I’m not an angel. I never said i was perfect, i was never said I haven’t done wrong. I have lied to her about things. But all of those lies were to hangout with my friends, or because I know she’ll freak out if i tell her, to avoid unnecessary arguments, to stop arguments. But i dont have friends to go hangout with anymore or play some games or anything. I still have to hide some little details about anything regarding females. Even if i said i had a casual conversation with a girl, I would end up in a fight. It has reduced though, she understands a bit more now. But with this rate of growth, i would be old and dead by the time she understands.
But I know she cares and loves me, she made a huge decision of giving up her medicine degree to do it later just because I couldn’t get in at the time as well. She helped me with my studies, she has stood up for me even to lecturers when i have been treated unfairly, sometimes secretly and sometimes without listening to me, because she knows that I’m too forgiving to people and too kind to people and sometimes they abuse that about me. She has made sure and advised me to not let people walk all over me just because I’m too kind and forgiving and i know if I’m hurt or injured she’ll put away everything to come for me... I truly do lover her... i couldn’t stand to leave her, i want her and need her but I just want her to understand me, who I am and what i need. I always try my best to keep her happy. I don’t want to leave her.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
#relationship #toxic #advise #depression #sadness #needhelp #help #love #cheating #relationshipproblems
I am always sad and want nothing to do with my school friends or friends that I have made through cheer. I used to be the person who was always doing something and never wanted to be home. I was constantly surrounded by people and friends. Ever since I started high school, that has all changed. I lost all of my close friends and no I find myself playing with my pets and doing nothing but going to practice. Its sad because I want to be back to my super social life and have all my friends back but everyone seems to hate me. I have thought about killing myself due to the amount of mean comments and things being said about my by people I thought were my friends. I am most certainly depressed but I don't want to talk to my parents about it because they are very abusive.
The last few months I've been working out and trying to get skinny. I can't even look myself in the mirror without crying.
My name is Jenna, I'm 13. I'm in grade 8 now, this started in grade 6. My parents told me they were splitting up (they're together now) but that took a huge toll on me. I cut my wrist for the 1st time and only did it a few more times in grade 6 after that. Once my parents got back together I was so happy and grade 7 I didn't self harm, but that's when I started starving myself because the boys in my class would call me fat a lot. Now I'm in grade 8 and I didn't think it was possible but I'm way worse then I ever have been. My parents know about my depression, cutting and eating issue and a few of my friends do too. They say they're there for me but they never check up on me or let me open up to them. This year I haven't been eating much, I've lost 30 pounds and I'm still losing more. My best friend of 4 years left me and hates me now. My boyfriend cheated on me twice with my ex best friend. I was diagnosed with depression this year and I cut almost everyday and I've attempted suicide but failed unfortunately. I'm so unhappy and depressed and no one knows how I feel. I wish someone would reach out and help because I'm so done with life. I'm on the edge ready to end it and no one can stop me..
I have aspergers, therefore I'm awkward around everyone. All the time. Truthfully I'm just tired of every conversation. No ones ever gonna love me. Idk that I will see tomorrow.
I often contemplate divorce, I love my wife but I have not been happy for years and I keep convincing myself things will get better but I'm starting to get the the point where I dont care anymore.
Ive done cocaine, I smoke weed and I'm addicted to tobacco. This is to take away the ongoing pain, I don't know what's wrong with me but I just have this pain and it won't stop. I even hear voices sometimes.
I usually sleep on my right side but last light for some reason i could only get comfortable laying on my belly, so i ended up falling asleep that way. I woke up this morning to severe discomfort and quickly realized my penis had twisted up and was pushed into my body and it was fully erect aswell. I tried to pull it out but i felt as if it was locked in two direct ways. It's still like that and it won't go flacid.i'm so embarrases to go to the hospital because i don't egen know what to make of this. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before. I am really freaked out.
#penis #injury #weird #bizarre #confused #embarassed #humiliated #medical #distress #depression #despair #desperate
I want to shoot myself in the fucking mouth. I can't do anything right and I'm not good enough for my girlfriend. I just want it all to end
I like to take a towel into the shower with me and drape it over myself and sit for as long as the water will last because it's the closest thing I've felt to a real hug in 5 years...
My sister and I had the worst fight we ever had. I was being mean by hitting, but not much, but I wasn’t saying anything mean. My sister can control her physical side, but she can’t control her words. She made me feel terrible like a monster, like a pest that wouldn’t go away. Words, to me, cut deeper than the skin. In the midst of our fight, she said she wanted me to scream louder so my dad could come hit me. Said it would make her happy to see me in pain. Whenever she left me alone , I would sob and cry as quietly as I could, so they wouldn’t hear me.
I had cried at least eight times in less than 2 days. Even before the fight I cried because mom and dad wouldn’t really notice me much. One time my mom was with my sister in the kitchen laughing and having fun. I came outside to join, but right when I came mom fell silent. She didn’t acknowledge me at all. I said hi but she didn’t care. I went back in my room.
My sister said don’t go, but I left since I felt left out. Once I left my mom said why should she stay. I heard it and I cried and cried. Then after the fight, dad screamed at me and told my sister to leave me alone. A few minutes later my sister, my dad and my mom were laughing and having fun while I was crying feeling like I didn’t belong. I still feel like I don’t belong . Everyone would be happier, have no more fight, no more cry’s, no more maintenance. I DONT BELONG!!!
#sorry #family #parents #sister #fight #depressed #sad #lonely
i feel so lonely, i don't have emotions, no happy, i feel empty, no one cares, and...finally there is one noticed... but i still alone
I think having no one to talk to for like a year and a half has warped me. Now I’m going days and days without sleep. I think i leave comments because that’s my only human interaction. I type to myself.
But If no one wants to listen to me, or talk to me. And I’m confused and not sleeping, then no one wants to read my foolishness anyways. I’m going to try to just stop unless it’s important. I doubt it last an hour.
I got my bf a headset for his birthday when he broke his phone because I wanted to talk to him, you know I’m attached and shit, but now I completely regret it because he spends ALLL OF HIS TIME TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS AND IGNORING ME, like it actually makes me depressed.
About a month ago, I had a miscarage. I’ve only told my parents and husband about it and they’ve asked me if I was okay. I keep telling them I am and to not say anything to anyone else because it won’t change anything. But the truth is I was never okay to start with and i cry whenever I’m alone and no one can see it.
Oh you guys do NOT understand how much I hate this fucking shit life. Gosh people annoy me so fucking much, plus I’ve got no friends. UGHHJJ I fucking hate it, you guys just don’t understand words can’t explain how much I hate life NO WORDS. The only good about life is food nothing else. UGHHHHH and I’m not going to kill myself because I still wanna eat, but that’s about all that’s hkeeping me going
I'm lost and hopeless, but yet im begging to be found, i feel lonely but not alone. I'm sucidual but scared die. I'm slowly falling apart but everyone thinks I'm fine.
#depression #lonely #lost
I lie about everything. I lie to my teachers, I lie to my friends, I lie to my family. I don't want them to know that I am not ok. I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to know that this is the worse I have ever been. I don't want them to know that I think about suicide everyday.
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