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Confessions

Funny Confessions

Read the best #funny confession stories


I’m DEADPOOL. That’s right, I’m the real Deadpool. No I’m not crazy. I’ll leave a secret code that only those who really know me could figure it out. WMHRSNSCARDCESCAECKAGCFLFWAHACLJ. Only the few who really know me could decipher that.
I started making up characters as a kid. Deadpool started in the 70’s. That’s right. Your getting the real origin of Deadpool.
I had some old comics. In one of them the Shadow fought a Ninja dressed in Red on a sub. My favorites were Cap & the Avengers, & Batman. But I liked this red ninja. So I made me as a super hero named “Red Ninja” when I was really little. In time the character got a much better name.
Over time he got cooler names. I won’t tell you his real name. My real character he became in my 20’s is very similar to Deadpool. I like mine better.
When I nearly died recently I destroyed all my 1,000’s of characters & their back stories. Old drawings. I’d hoped to one day draw my own comics, or let my children. But I’m near death so it’s not going to happen. No one wanted them. So I shredded them. I had to move into a tiny place. I had some way cool stuff though.
Starting in the early to mid 80’s I sent some of my worst characters & some ideas to Marvel Comics. I was going to use the good ones for my own comics. I’m pretty sure I saw one of my characters vaguely in a comic. Very vaguely. Either way I got some No Prizes. Empty envelops. The first one I wrote & said I didn’t get a prize. The prize was no prize, an empty envelope. You just give them ideas for characters; stories. But it becomes their property. You give it away.
Well; somewhere around 1990 or so; while in college, I decided to send Marvel one of my mediocre characters. I kept the best to myself. I was offered an art scholarship, but pursued other stuff.
Please realize I “gave” them the character. Just a rough idea. I did not give them my real character. I honestly don’t even remember what all I wrote in the letter.
In no way am I claiming anything beyond a rough idea. They apparently took a vague idea & made something cool out of it. So the character is completely theirs. I merely gave them a seed to plant & grow. Im not even certain they used my idea. The visual; mannerisms, & name make me convinced they did. Either way; I gave it away for fun, so who cares.
Around this time I was still collecting comics; but I stopped. That’s why I mailed this to them. My life was fixing to change dramatically. No more time for childish things. No more collecting comics. So since I doubted I’d ever pursue my comic ideas; I gave Deadpool (not my characters real name) away as a joke. I wanted to see if “I” could live on in the comic books, in case I died on a battle field. I loved Marvel. If they thought him/me worthy of being a super hero/villain, then it would mean my much better characters would be cool if I ever made my own comics. I had 100’s better than Deadpool.
Well I forgot all about it. No more kids stuff for me. My kids got into all the super hero stuff many years later. One day my daughter said dad. You have got to watch this movie called “Deadpool”. He’s just like you. I scratched my head. Realize my character has a different name. But I’m pretty sure I called the alternate less fleshed out version of red ninja; the bad “punisher” like pretend version of me, “Deadpool”. The one I mailed Marvel.
She said he’s just like you. The guy who plays him looks a lot like you (not really. But I am attractive. And I married a beautiful woman). He talks endless trash. Is always trying to be funny. Uses two swords and guns at once. Wears a red ninja outfit. Never shuts up. Cusses. Can do all that ninja gymnastics stuff like you. He’s you. Huh? That did sound like me.
So I watched the movie; remembered sending the idea to Marvel, & laughed my butt off. She asked what was funny. I said that is me. That’s really me as a super hero. I mailed that idea to Marvel before I married your mom way back in college. I didn’t know they made it into a super hero. Of course she didn’t believe me.
Now let’s be clear. I’m not taking credit for the character or anything. I can’t even remember what I mailed them. I had been drawing characters since age 7 or so. Red Ninja had been me since the 70’s.
I was finally giving up buying & collecting comics. No more drawing & expanding characters. I was putting all of that away & growing up. Time to leave college & start life. I never thought of that stuff again till she made me watch the movie. She was right though; that was me, especially back in the late 80’s & early 90’s.
I won’t bore you with the whole story & details. Nor can I remember what all I actually even mailed them. But either way; I gave it to them. Looks like they used it. I was hoping someone would turn it into a character. That if I died I’d still be alive in a sense as a super hero. Just a private joke. So in my mind anyways; I pulled one on Marvel, got them to turn me into a super hero of sorts.
So since I have no clue what I mailed them I’ll show why my daughter saw the similarities. She had seen me training with two swords at once. And two knives. She’d seen me throw weapons & shoot guns with both hands. I’m an expert marksman with near any weapon, with both hands.
I do know martial arts. I have easily beaten multiple black belts with my mixed fighting style in training. I have extremely fast reflexes. Makes me really hard to fight. When I sent it in I had finally managed to slim my muscular body down from 275 lbs to under 250. To para jump or slide down ropes out of copters you must weigh under 250. I was so lean and low fat I had cuts & veins everywhere. I thought Deadpool having healing powers like Wolverine would be great. Instead of claws he’d use two swords & pistols like me. He’d have my agility; athletic ability; super strength (I was a power lifter). Only magnified for comics of course. I’m the lame real life version.
I was very conceited about my appearance & abilities. I talked endless trash. Cussed none stop. I never shut up. I still have a constant smile. I try to be funny and constantly try to make people smile & laugh. A crowd once watched me fight several men. They say I was turning flips. Doing crazy moves. Like Deadpool. And the whole time I was telling jokes and talking trash. That’s true. Like Deadpool.
I used to run track. I could nearly touch the top of a basketball backboard. Great at long jumping.
I was being trained by an ex special forces relative & was intending to join the military soon, which is why I mailed off the idea for Deadpool to Marvel. Letting go of my childish ways. Would be no more time for that. After I mailed it off o bought no more comics. Drew no more characters. I was done.
I had a relative of sorts who used to work with me some. He was impressed by my marksmanship. He had been a soldier & then soldier for hire. Mercenary. I was a great marksman so he thought I should try that after the military.
Well in high school & college I found myself living in this high crime gang controlled inner city. At night it was a war zone. Cops were afraid to come in there at night. So if you got caught up in something you were on your on. Like the fight I just talked about.
Starting as a little kid I used to fight to protect others. I slowly learned to mostly be quiet & passive in school. Until I moved into the gang area. Sometimes I’d fight to protect others. But not in front of teachers. At school I had fought to protect any weak loner. I don’t care what color you are. Religion. Gay. I would protect anyone. In my eyes we are all the same.
Well; those of you who work & goto school full time know, your rarely home. At night I’d wake up to gang activity. Screaming. Gun fire. Fights. People buying & selling drugs. Drug dealers are the root problem in these neighborhoods.
I’ve fought and been chased by gangs in high school. Been shot at just for walking home. Kids on those streets know what I’m talking about. I learned to mind my own business. But a few times I had to go out into the dark night. Batman.
Ninja movies were getting popular. I always trained with two knives & pistols at this time. So now I added two ninja swords.
So around the time I sent this to Marvel I’d snuck out at night & stopped a few crimes when I heard screaming. Usually only for a woman or child. Not dressed as a ninja. I’m the real guy.
I’ll give one example. I heard a woman yelling for help. I went running out. A very large man was trying to attack her with an ax handle. Trying to break thru her window. She was protecting her child. So I fought & disarmed him. Made him run away. Then I had to talk to the cops. Witnesses confirmed my story & I got off. People would watch. But not interfere. I’m lucky people liked me enough to speak up for me a couple of times. Had it been gangs they probably would not have. No one calls the cops on drug dealing gangs. They will do drive byes & stuff. Unlike Deadpool, I can’t magically heal.
I only did these things a few times. Real life isn’t a movie. But my friends had saw me in action. My wife had told my kids those stories & about the time she watched me fight & save another woman. And of course talk to the cops yet again.
In real life once you save the day; you then get to talk to cops; teachers, bosses. You get kicked out of school; paddled; almost arrested; fired. Real life isn’t a movie.
So Deadpool wasn’t really me. He was like an alter me. A bad version of me. He would go off into the military for special forces like I was planning. Be a Merc like I was contemplating. But he’d be half nuts. He’d decide to take out drug dealers and criminals to stop crime at the source. You know that voice in your head that you ignore. Hey go do this. You know better from listening to that voice as a kid. Don’t listen to that crazy voice.
That is the real problem in these neighborhoods. Drugs fuel the gangs. Addiction destroys people. Gangs strike fear in neighborhoods. Everyone is afraid to call or speak to cops. Cops are afraid to come there at night. They arrive way too late & in large numbers. By the time they do it’s usually too late.
So the goofy one in the movies does act a lot like me. Obvi I’m no nutt super hero. I’m the real guy. I based the character off me. I like what they did with it. Totally different from me. As I said; I mailed in a very vague idea. They appear to have developed it into something cool. But I can’t take credit for any of that. But the behavior & general description are so much like me that my daughter realized it when she watched the movie. They’ve all seen me get right up in the face of would be tough guys and talk trash; joke, & cuss just like Deadpool. They’ve seen me lift up very heavy weight. Shoot two pistols at once. Train with two swords. On & on. I have that endless grin on my face. Im the real Deadpool.
So where did the name Deadpool come from? As a child I was an amazing marksman. I never missed. Some vets nicknamed me Eagle eye & Deadeye. I liked Clint Eastwood. So I called the bad; drug dealer pretend version of me Deadpool. Pretty sure I sent that name in with the idea. But it’s not important.
There was a real Hollywood game. People tried to predict who would die. Then bet money (a pool). So this Deadpool version of me would instead pick which deadly criminals should die. He’d take their drug dealing money. That would be his income. His “pool” of money. Plus; Eastwood had a movie out around that time, “the Deadpool”. I think I was watching it on VHS when I wrote the letter.
Clint Eastwood played a vigilante in Dirty Harry movies. I preferred the spaghetti westerns.
So since I don’t think I’ll be alive much longer I thought I’d secretly confess that I’m convinced I’m the basis for Deadpool. I don’t care if anyone believes me. I did specifically tell them they could have the idea. I did ask them to turn it into a character for Marvel comics. I didn’t send them the real character. He was much more complex and pure. Instead I sent them something I thought people would want to watch & read. This was in the rap anti establishment days. No one liked Cap anymore. I’m a whole lot more like Cap. But no kidding. As I type this there are ninja swords hanging above my bed. There are two pistols on a nightstand by two knives. As I said; Im the real Deadpool. Well; sort of.
What do I look like? Well I’m very sick now. But I’m very lean. Weigh about 255. Very muscular. I was born with blond hair & blue eyes. People say I’m attractive. And I act “a lot” like the character in the movie still to this day. That’s why when my kids first saw the first Deadpool movie they ran in there saying dad, your in a movie, you’ve got to come see this. And yes; I am really that cocky. I’m convinced no one can beat me. I did learn to shut up at times. But I talk endless crap. I crack endless jokes. I never shut up. I have a crap eating grin non stop. I did not go into the special forces for a very good reason. Nor did I become a mercenary. I’m afraid the real me isn’t overly impressive.
I am no kidding wearing a shirt that’s blue with stars on the top. Alternating red and white vertical stripes on the bottom. I just realized that when I looked down. My kids had them made for me I guess. They look like one offs.
OK kids of mine. There it is. Let’s see if you can figure out my code. No one else ever will. I’ll give one of you a clue. See if you can surf the web and find this. Decipher the code. Prove I wrote it. You asked me to tell someone I invented Deadpool. That would be wrong. You can’t give something away. Ask someone to make something of it. Then try to take credit. So here it is. No name or proof. But my admission. One more joke. If you find this and read this have a good life. Now you know where I got the idea. From an old The Shadow comic I owned. Why did I like the red ninja? He was better than the shadow. That’s why when I sent the character to Marvel. Instead of sending them the real character that red ninja became; which I will not reveal here, I gave them a meaner version. A “Punisher” like version. A soldier for hire who didn’t just cross the line; he became a criminal of sorts. Much like Wolverine was in a comic or two. Dark. The opposite of me. Like alternate Superman.
I am very proud of you that you saw me in the way Deadpool acted. You even pointed out how I used to pull your legs & claim I could block bullets with my swords. That’s obvi a lie. But I’m still pretty good for a real person.


#deadpool   #red   #ninja   #fun   #laugh   #funny   #laughter   #comic   #comics   #book   #admission   #riddle   #code   #drug   #drugs   #gang   #fight   #athlete   #athletic   #merc   #mercenary   #mouth   #trashtalking   #cuss   #cussing   #gymnast   #agile   #agility   #gymnastics  


I was kept in school because I twerked in class.


#twerk   #class   #detention   #confession   #funny  


I've called the Alcoholics Anonymous and asked them which wine would match perfectly to fish.
They didn't answer me.


#evilness   #joke   #funny  


I have a secret. I make stuff up to teach people to do better.


#funny  


I pulled a rather nasty joke on my brother...
Recently the temperature's have falling quite a bit where I live. At night, we have sub zero temperatures.
My brother was at his girlfriend's house for the last few days, so me and a friend of mine decided to prank him.
He has a big waterbed in his room and he always likes to tell me that he loves his bed more than me.
So, we decided to open all 3 windows in his room and turn off the radiator.
As I said, it gets really fucking cold at night. He was gone for two more days and when he came home, he found one big bloc of ice in his room aka his former bed.
I am sorry bro that you had to sleep on the couch for 4 days straight until your bed has thawed.


#bed   #water   #cold   #freezing   #prank   #joke   #funny   #brother  


As a child, I occasionally went to my neighbours on the evening and turned on the light of their car. It was a very old one, so it was never locked.
The next day I waited for the fight which would occur. She insulted him because he had let the lights on - again.
Hihihi.


#neighbours   #car   #lights   #fight   #insult   #funny   #prank  


My girlfriend sleeps with her mouth open. So, when I go to bed later than her and she's already asleep, I put some food in her mouth. It's hilarious. She's always totally confused the next day. I always tell her that she ate while sleeping.
Sorry babe, I'll tell you the truth when we get married.


#food   #hilarious   #joke   #secret   #girlfriend   #funny   #confession  


As kids me and my brother always hid the poop of our dogs in the newspapers of our neighbours.


#dog   #poop   #newspaper   #funny   #kids  


Hi! I'd like to confess I work in a pizzeria and there's some wit who thinks he can order pizza almost every day around 11 pm. Because we also want to finish, we always put the grossest cheese on the pizza and sometimes he also gets our "special sauce"


#pizzeria   #pizza   #order   #cheese   #special   #funny  


I got my little brother drunk. He's 16 years old and had some friends over, they had some beer with them and some tequila but none of them drank very much. When they left, I showed my brother what he could to with all the leftovers. I mixed him a very special cocktail, containing 4 cans of beer, half a glas of tequila and some vodka.

He drank all of it, we had some fun but then I sent him to bed.
The next morning the whole living room was covered in vomit. My brother had to clean up the mess; my luck was that he don't remember anything, so I denied giving him that much alcohol.


#alcohol   #vodka   #cocktail   #drunk   #vomit   #funny   #brother   #confess  


I recently got tricked into going to my cousin’s wedding after party. I’m not into weddings, don’t get all the fuss over it and see it as a waste of money and sanity. Of course, strange things happen at them. Occasionally, something good.

My cousin and I are not close and rarely see each other. We’re polar opposites but have nothing in common. We do now. His new wife. At the reception after party his wife came up to me to introduce herself as I rarely attend family functions. I figured it would be yet another meet and greet then onto the next person. Nope.

We started talking and she actually was interesting. She looked like a naive, young bimbo and I’ll freely admit I didn’t think much of her because she was with my Jughead looking cousin. I had more common interests with her than I ever did him. Or was it just her flirting her butt off?

Regardless, we slipped out back to have a more in depth discussion on a topic I actually take seriously. She starts in with the dirty talk. Woah is this girl drunk already, or does my cousin just suck like I assumed? Who cares. Grabs my crotch and starts nibbling on my ear. For once in my life I amazingly say nothing and just go with it.

She wasn’t drunk but I had feelings she was just curious as I’m often the mystery guy as i do my own thing and try to avoid anything nerve wracking. I seem to attract it, even when minding my own business out back.

She started kissing me and I kissed her strongly right back. Became a full blown make out session. She stops, licks her lips, smiles and says “I had to get that off my chest.” I just stare at her smirking. She says I’ll be back. I roll my eyes and am shaking my head trying not to laugh as she went back to the wedding table with my cousin.

Another cousin of mine I actually like came up and says what was that all about? I acted like I didn’t know what she meant. She said ****’’a new wife was all flirty. “Is she drunk -already?” I guess so. Just met the girl. She’s friendly.

i went back to my table out back and attempted to enjoy all the crappy, cheesy Coldplay and all the lovely CCR and Eminem without wanting to shoot myself, so I went outside to get some quiet. I went further around back as the smokers were dominating the front area.

Around back I saw one of the cute bridesmaids. Brief chitchat. She is definitely drunk and starts relaying how my cousins’ wife is a whore. I smiled. She then asked what made me smile. Oh just a hunch.

She then said she’ll pick one hot guy and screw his brains out. I asked is this is a common occurrence at weddings. She said oh yes and that they all screwed anyone they deemed fascinating or attractive. Seemed like a regular answer knowing how some people can be at weddings.

She then said that she saw her dressing me down at the reception. I rolled my eyes. She said I guarantee you’ll be inside her in some capacity before the night is over. She headed back inside beyond trashed. I just started laughing to myself. Man my cousin can sure pick them. Another cheating hoe supposedly in love with my yucky cus but cheating already.

I went back inside and there she was. Her dress now somehow became a skirt. Great legs, killer a** and a pretty nice rack. Well hello there. I smiled and walked back to my table: She followed. She starts asking a lot of questions. Beyond annoying. I said “do you want to get something more off your chest, or is that just commonplace for you?” She started giggling.

I smirked as I can’t smile like regular people amazingly can. She told me even though she loves my cousin and they’d known each other for years (she was his deceased wife’s close friend), that she loves meeting new people and she’s never seen me. I started thinking of the drunken bridesmaid’s comments. The load of bull this chick just gave me, but I’ll humor her. Let’s see where this goes.

She told me she wanted to f**k but there was no real way to do it, even though I could tell she was nervous. I said that there must be a basement or back door closet, why the hell not? She starts giggling and licking her lips. “You’re a naughty one, where’s he been keeping you?”

She went back to my cousin who per usual is trashed out of his mind. At least he had an excuse here. One of the few things he does well is get loaded and insult people.I look over in disgust. It wasn’t the slutty wife he just married who was much like his dead wife in that department, only she was actually attractive, but the drunken, skinny bigot she just married. What a joke.

I immediately started laughing and badly I must say. I sounded like the joker. I grabbed a beer and went back outside: I must’ve been out there a solid 20-25 minutes before I realized she was about 5 feet away from me grinning. I know that look. Fine by me I hate my loser cousin anyway and hey she started this, I’ll gladly finish.I did. Twice..

We found an old closet full of chairs and folding tables they used for functions at the hall. She went down on me and me her. We got it on, on an old tent type of surface. After I finished the first time we both started laughing. She got dressed and said “meet me back here in a couple hours, I want some more.”

I highly doubted that would happen again as in a couple hours she’s likely be in a hotel while my cousin slept it off. Wrong again. We met again back at the closet and hour and a half later and redux. Again, once more only this time against a wall.

I never saw her again in that capacity. It was as if she needed one last hurrah before she went off with my cus. Of course they were already married when I met her so perhaps I got a quality…


#wife   #wedding   #cheating   #funny  


I live in a multi story building with many foreign families and a lot of them have some kind of trouble with the police, distrainors, lawyers and other creditors. When I'm at home, I often hear that there's someone who keeps ringing the door bell, to talk to one of those families. Apart from me, almost no one of these people work, they are sitting at home all day and watch TV and therefore they know who's standing in front of the door and therefore don't open it. But I'm a helpful person so I let them in by pressing the buzzer for the front door down stairs. It's funny to watch the police while they are trying to get entrance to the flat.


#building   #foreign   #families   #funny   #police   #lawyers   #confession  


I killed my hamster when I was 14. I got a drum set for christmas and me and some friends wanted to start a band. One day, my parents were at work and my friends came over to our first band rehearsal. After a while, we tought it would be a funny idea to find out what would happen if we put the hamster into one of the drums. We did and I played some tones on it. We heard him squeaking and trembling but we tought it was great fun.
After another short play, I got him out. He was already dead - heart attack or something.

I am very sorry. I confess that I was a stupid young teenager.


#hamster   #drums   #funny   #teenager   #confession   #panic   #heart   #sin  


I confess that I beat someone up last year because I thought he was a zombie.
Drowsy and half asleep, I was walking to the trash bins, outside of my house around 2 am in the morning. I threw my trash in the bin and then I heard some strange noises right behind me. Someone scuffled and groaned like a zombie. Before I even thought about it, I punched this guy in the face and kicked him in the balls. He then screamed and ran away. It was a homeless guy probably asking for money or food or something.


#zombie   #drowsy   #trash   #strange   #funny   #confession  


My friends and I love to crash house parties and there are A LOT where we live. We usually get quite hammered and dick around - it is always great fun. I also usually ends with one of most of us puking and throwing up. When I do, I like to do it on the carpet(s). When I am done, I turn them around, so it will not be noticed at first.
It is hilarious to watch when the host(s) notices and I when they have to clean it up afterwards.


#party   #puking   #alcohol   #wasted   #carpet   #host   #confession   #funny  


Back in the 5th grade, us guys goofed around and cut off the long hair of the girls. At that time, we really thought this would be funny. Now when I think about it ( I am 16 now ) it's not fun at all. Sorry girls, I didn't mean to!


#cut   #long   #hair   #goofing   #sorry   #funny  


My girlfriend and I (m/30) have been together for around 10 years now. Her family is originally from Russia. Shortly, after we got together, she invited me to her birthday party with her family. Up until then, I never met her family or knew much about them. Of course I agreed to come and got her a nice present and some flowers for her mother. I actually thought that it would be a small and quiet celebration.
Oh boy, was I wrong.
When we pulled up to her parents' house, I was overwhelmed. It was (still is) a really big house with fine decour and everything. I got rather nervous that her family would not like me as they obviously were playing in another league than me.
So, it was a huge party and all her family from all around the country and from Russia came to celebrate. And as you might know, the Russians love their vodka. Everyone was very kind and everyone wanted to drink with me. As soon as my glass was empty, another relative came my way holding vodka shots. My girlfriend was very busy talking to everyone and did not notice what happened until it was too late.
So, we danced, we took shots, the food was amazing. Until I noticed that I wasn't feeling so well. I didn't make it back to the bathroom, but puked all over myself, the floor and some landed on my girlfriend's mother... I was mortified!
Somehow, my girlfriend, her mother and her aunt managed to get me into the bathtub and hosed me down. They got me a pyjama of my girlfriend's dad and they put me to bed.

The next morning when I woke up I felt horrible. I was utterly ashamed, but still went down for breakfast. Everyone still present was smirking and laughing at me, but it seemed everything in good fun. Her mother came up to me with a bottle of vodka shortly after and asked if I wanted to do some shots. I almost puked on her again.
So I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest before our wedding in June when I have to see her whole family again.


#girlfriend   #russian   #vodka   #drunk   #puked   #embarrassing   #family   #celebration   #party   #bathroom   #funny   #ashamed   #confession   #wedding   #russia  


I think it's pretty funny watching other people fall. I also like it to see them suffering. I guess I don't have a sense of shame but I really don't miss it. You should also she the funny sides in life.


#fallingover   #funny   #suffering   #sense   #shame   #life  


One early Saturday morning a young female stopped by to visit. As we were talking she asked if I had a hair tie? Before I could answer she saw one on the coffee table nearby grabbed it and put it in her hair. I did not say a word. Unknowingly to her my man had used that the night before as a cock ring. Tee hee, that is what she gets for being grabby.


#nerve   #funny   #presumptious  


Today, I had to go to see a gynaecologist but before I went there, I washed myself 'down there' with a washrag which was lying around in the bathroom. Because I was already late I just whipped over and rushed to the my doctor. After a while, I was finally sitting on 'the chair' (ladies, you know what I am talking about) and the gynaecologist started laughing really really bad. Under laughter he tried to tell me something, after a while I was finally able to understand him. He told me that he hadn't needed to 'style' my vagina for him. I looked down and saw that it was covered in glitter.
I accidentally used the cloth my little daughter uses for painting and stuff...


#gynaecologist   #washrag   #cloth   #glitter   #ashamed   #funny  



Pray and roll the dice for #funny

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