No subscription or hidden extras
Read the best #funny confession stories
I read every confession on this site. I should be working right now but I don't want to, it's just too damn funny.
#confession #work #funny #lazy
Hi! I'd like to confess I work in a pizzeria and there's some wit who thinks he can order pizza almost every day around 11 pm. Because we also want to finish, we always put the grossest cheese on the pizza and sometimes he also gets our "special sauce"
My girlfriend and I (m/30) have been together for around 10 years now. Her family is originally from Russia. Shortly, after we got together, she invited me to her birthday party with her family. Up until then, I never met her family or knew much about them. Of course I agreed to come and got her a nice present and some flowers for her mother. I actually thought that it would be a small and quiet celebration.
Oh boy, was I wrong.
When we pulled up to her parents' house, I was overwhelmed. It was (still is) a really big house with fine decour and everything. I got rather nervous that her family would not like me as they obviously were playing in another league than me.
So, it was a huge party and all her family from all around the country and from Russia came to celebrate. And as you might know, the Russians love their vodka. Everyone was very kind and everyone wanted to drink with me. As soon as my glass was empty, another relative came my way holding vodka shots. My girlfriend was very busy talking to everyone and did not notice what happened until it was too late.
So, we danced, we took shots, the food was amazing. Until I noticed that I wasn't feeling so well. I didn't make it back to the bathroom, but puked all over myself, the floor and some landed on my girlfriend's mother... I was mortified!
Somehow, my girlfriend, her mother and her aunt managed to get me into the bathtub and hosed me down. They got me a pyjama of my girlfriend's dad and they put me to bed.
The next morning when I woke up I felt horrible. I was utterly ashamed, but still went down for breakfast. Everyone still present was smirking and laughing at me, but it seemed everything in good fun. Her mother came up to me with a bottle of vodka shortly after and asked if I wanted to do some shots. I almost puked on her again.
So I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest before our wedding in June when I have to see her whole family again.
#girlfriend #russian #vodka #drunk #puked #embarrassing #family #celebration #party #bathroom #funny #ashamed #confession #wedding #russia
I live in a multi story building with many foreign families and a lot of them have some kind of trouble with the police, distrainors, lawyers and other creditors. When I'm at home, I often hear that there's someone who keeps ringing the door bell, to talk to one of those families. Apart from me, almost no one of these people work, they are sitting at home all day and watch TV and therefore they know who's standing in front of the door and therefore don't open it. But I'm a helpful person so I let them in by pressing the buzzer for the front door down stairs. It's funny to watch the police while they are trying to get entrance to the flat.
#building #foreign #families #funny #police #lawyers #confession
Every time I am bored I go to my local music shop and switch all the CDs and DVDs into other packagings.
One time in school, some kid left his computer on during lunch break. Without hesitation, I searched up “furry hentai”, found the worst image I could find, and made it his desktop background. I also hid several other pictures in various folders just for the hell of it.
#funny #joke #computer #background
I am only able to fulfill my manly act if my girlfriend calls me "the machine".
#machine #manly #act #funny #confession
I want to do a preventive penance. I promise to everyone who will get near my car to hurt, damage or destroy her, that I will kill him or her.
I am not a violent person but I won't let anything happen to my baby.
When it comes to my car, it's not funny anymore!
I think it's pretty funny watching other people fall. I also like it to see them suffering. I guess I don't have a sense of shame but I really don't miss it. You should also she the funny sides in life.
Embarrassing story. When I was 19 I was hooking up with a girl at a house party in college. She was 18, chubby, and samoan so she was very thick. She was even taller than me. Her thighs and ass were thick but felt firm. Her lips were big and I just imagined them giving me head. We were in somebodies bedroom and we went on the floor instead of the bed for some reason. We started just making out. Felt amazing. I just felt up on her boobs and ass. She was grinding on me with cloths on and I just came. I couldn’t help it I tried but it was so hot I just finished in my pants. I didn’t want her to know so I begged her to let me eat her out. She wanted sex but I was able to convince her to let me give her head. For 10 minutes I just licked her and ate her out. Tasted her and finally she finished in my mouth. I was happy because she was apologizing saying she tried to hold off so we could fuck but I made her cum. Luckily we met up a few weeks later and had sex but even then I only lasted like 40 seconds before cumming inside her awkwardly. Haven’t seen her in years or spoken to her but she turned me into a bbw lover.
I've called the Alcoholics Anonymous and asked them which wine would match perfectly to fish.
They didn't answer me.
I enjoy the sorrow, misery and pain of others. It does not have to be anything crass, but I get giddy and really really gleeful if I watch someone struggling.
I ROARED with laughter when I watched a young mother lose her baby's pacifier in a drainpipe and the baby started crying.
When I am walking through town and occasionally stop and watch, hoping for something funny to happen - I love watching people struggling with heavy objects.
I love watching fail compilations on YouTube.
Unfortunately, I now read on the internet that this glee and joy for the pain of others might be connected to feelings of inferiority.
I confess that I worry that should be ashamed for my key source of joy in my life. And that I love my fellow human beings the most when they are stuck in a water slide.
#funny #despair #joy #glee #youtube #videos #fun #laughing #baby #mother #slide #water #confession #inferiority
I change some of wikipedia's entries just to mess with people. Most of the facts and stuff I change stay like that.
I don't regret anything; it's you own fault when you believe everything which is written on wikipedia.
Every time my sister is bitchy or annoying, I spit on her pillow.
It satisfies me to know that she sleeps on that pillow without knowing anything.
I recently got tricked into going to my cousin’s wedding after party. I’m not into weddings, don’t get all the fuss over it and see it as a waste of money and sanity. Of course, strange things happen at them. Occasionally, something good.
My cousin and I are not close and rarely see each other. We’re polar opposites but have nothing in common. We do now. His new wife. At the reception after party his wife came up to me to introduce herself as I rarely attend family functions. I figured it would be yet another meet and greet then onto the next person. Nope.
We started talking and she actually was interesting. She looked like a naive, young bimbo and I’ll freely admit I didn’t think much of her because she was with my Jughead looking cousin. I had more common interests with her than I ever did him. Or was it just her flirting her butt off?
Regardless, we slipped out back to have a more in depth discussion on a topic I actually take seriously. She starts in with the dirty talk. Woah is this girl drunk already, or does my cousin just suck like I assumed? Who cares. Grabs my crotch and starts nibbling on my ear. For once in my life I amazingly say nothing and just go with it.
She wasn’t drunk but I had feelings she was just curious as I’m often the mystery guy as i do my own thing and try to avoid anything nerve wracking. I seem to attract it, even when minding my own business out back.
She started kissing me and I kissed her strongly right back. Became a full blown make out session. She stops, licks her lips, smiles and says “I had to get that off my chest.” I just stare at her smirking. She says I’ll be back. I roll my eyes and am shaking my head trying not to laugh as she went back to the wedding table with my cousin.
Another cousin of mine I actually like came up and says what was that all about? I acted like I didn’t know what she meant. She said ****’’a new wife was all flirty. “Is she drunk -already?” I guess so. Just met the girl. She’s friendly.
i went back to my table out back and attempted to enjoy all the crappy, cheesy Coldplay and all the lovely CCR and Eminem without wanting to shoot myself, so I went outside to get some quiet. I went further around back as the smokers were dominating the front area.
Around back I saw one of the cute bridesmaids. Brief chitchat. She is definitely drunk and starts relaying how my cousins’ wife is a whore. I smiled. She then asked what made me smile. Oh just a hunch.
She then said she’ll pick one hot guy and screw his brains out. I asked is this is a common occurrence at weddings. She said oh yes and that they all screwed anyone they deemed fascinating or attractive. Seemed like a regular answer knowing how some people can be at weddings.
She then said that she saw her dressing me down at the reception. I rolled my eyes. She said I guarantee you’ll be inside her in some capacity before the night is over. She headed back inside beyond trashed. I just started laughing to myself. Man my cousin can sure pick them. Another cheating hoe supposedly in love with my yucky cus but cheating already.
I went back inside and there she was. Her dress now somehow became a skirt. Great legs, killer a** and a pretty nice rack. Well hello there. I smiled and walked back to my table: She followed. She starts asking a lot of questions. Beyond annoying. I said “do you want to get something more off your chest, or is that just commonplace for you?” She started giggling.
I smirked as I can’t smile like regular people amazingly can. She told me even though she loves my cousin and they’d known each other for years (she was his deceased wife’s close friend), that she loves meeting new people and she’s never seen me. I started thinking of the drunken bridesmaid’s comments. The load of bull this chick just gave me, but I’ll humor her. Let’s see where this goes.
She told me she wanted to f**k but there was no real way to do it, even though I could tell she was nervous. I said that there must be a basement or back door closet, why the hell not? She starts giggling and licking her lips. “You’re a naughty one, where’s he been keeping you?”
She went back to my cousin who per usual is trashed out of his mind. At least he had an excuse here. One of the few things he does well is get loaded and insult people.I look over in disgust. It wasn’t the slutty wife he just married who was much like his dead wife in that department, only she was actually attractive, but the drunken, skinny bigot she just married. What a joke.
I immediately started laughing and badly I must say. I sounded like the joker. I grabbed a beer and went back outside: I must’ve been out there a solid 20-25 minutes before I realized she was about 5 feet away from me grinning. I know that look. Fine by me I hate my loser cousin anyway and hey she started this, I’ll gladly finish.I did. Twice..
We found an old closet full of chairs and folding tables they used for functions at the hall. She went down on me and me her. We got it on, on an old tent type of surface. After I finished the first time we both started laughing. She got dressed and said “meet me back here in a couple hours, I want some more.”
I highly doubted that would happen again as in a couple hours she’s likely be in a hotel while my cousin slept it off. Wrong again. We met again back at the closet and hour and a half later and redux. Again, once more only this time against a wall.
I never saw her again in that capacity. It was as if she needed one last hurrah before she went off with my cus. Of course they were already married when I met her so perhaps I got a quality…
Today, I had to go to see a gynaecologist but before I went there, I washed myself 'down there' with a washrag which was lying around in the bathroom. Because I was already late I just whipped over and rushed to the my doctor. After a while, I was finally sitting on 'the chair' (ladies, you know what I am talking about) and the gynaecologist started laughing really really bad. Under laughter he tried to tell me something, after a while I was finally able to understand him. He told me that he hadn't needed to 'style' my vagina for him. I looked down and saw that it was covered in glitter.
I accidentally used the cloth my little daughter uses for painting and stuff...
I pulled a rather nasty joke on my brother...
Recently the temperature's have falling quite a bit where I live. At night, we have sub zero temperatures.
My brother was at his girlfriend's house for the last few days, so me and a friend of mine decided to prank him.
He has a big waterbed in his room and he always likes to tell me that he loves his bed more than me.
So, we decided to open all 3 windows in his room and turn off the radiator.
As I said, it gets really fucking cold at night. He was gone for two more days and when he came home, he found one big bloc of ice in his room aka his former bed.
I am sorry bro that you had to sleep on the couch for 4 days straight until your bed has thawed.
As a child, I occasionally went to my neighbours on the evening and turned on the light of their car. It was a very old one, so it was never locked.
The next day I waited for the fight which would occur. She insulted him because he had let the lights on - again.
Hihihi.
Confessions by confessionstories.org
